Now at Pipedreamproducts.com you can purchase the Beatin’ Barack novelty figure that allows you to have the “commander in cock” stimulate his package right in your very own home.

“He beat the odds, now he beats his meat” reads the packaging for this pud-pulling likeness of our president, and for the low price of $9.98 Barack with attempt to achieve the big “O” before your eyes.

Along with the Beatin’ Barack novelty, Pipedreamproducts.com also proudly sells toilet paper with the president’e likeness on it  and urinal filters that also bare the fave ofthe leader of the free world.

Click here to order your Beatin Barack and see the many other unflatering products the company stocks to pay tribute to our commander in chief. !

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According to a report on Metro.co.uk, a woman in Germany called the police to report ’suspicious noises’ in her apartment. However, when the officers arrived they found that the cause of the noises was in fact a vibrator.

The news report says that the noise was so loud that it was even audible over the phone when the woman called the emergency services. Concerned, police dispatched a patrol car to confront the suspected intruder, in the city of Bochum, western Germany.

A police statement said: ‘Daringly, and with the occupier’s permission, one of the officers opened the drawer of a wardrobe where the noise was coming from.

‘Underneath some clothes he found a very personal, battery-operated object which had obviously switched itself on… The tenant’s face abruptly changed colour.’

The police then wished the woman a pleasant evening and went on their way, the AFP news agency reports.

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KeysNews.com reports that a Florida crashed her car while she trying to drive and trim her pubic hair at the same time.

According to Florida Highway Patrol report, Megan Mariah Barnes, 37, was driving her Thunderbird in Key West last week when she crashed into the back of a Chevrolet pickup carrying four people.

Actually, though Barnes was in the driver’s set, it was her ex-husband who was steering the car from the passenger seat as she was doing the pubic landscaping.

A Highway Patrol spokesman explained that the pair drove on for about a kilometre down the road before pulling the old driver/passenger switch, which was not surprising since it was only the previous day that Barnes was  “convicted and sentenced to nine months of probation for DUI and driving with a suspended license.” deprived of her license for five years and “ordered to get her car impounded.”

Swapping places with Judy didn’t fool cops, though, because the airbag in the driver’s seat had not deployed and he had “burns from the passenger side airbag that proved he had not been in the driver’s seat”.

Barnes told police that she was working on her bush because  was on her way to a rendezvous with her boyfriend and wanted to be “ready for the visit”.

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As reported in the Daily Telegraph, a retired woman in Germany checked into the hospital for knee replacement surgery and wound up receiving a new anus instead.

The mix up began when the woman was mistaken with another patient who had been  suffering from incontinence, and was scheduled to have surgery on her sphincter.

The clinic in Hochfranken, Bavaria, has since suspended the surgical team.

Now the woman wi the new anus is planning to sue the hospital. She still needs the leg operation and is searching for another hospital to perform the surgery.

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The first topless sledging tournament was due to take place in Oberwiesenthal, Germany, next month. But local councillors are trying to ban the event, as they seem think it might have a negative  effect on the town’s reputation.

Mayor Mirko Ernst said: ‘No one has anything against the traditional annual sledging events. But the vast majority of residents oppose the topless sledging idea. The good reputation of our town would suffer.’

Topless sledging organiser Jochen Noeske tried to allay any fears that the event might have sleazy overtones, diplomatically saying: ‘I want our tournament to be a mega festival of boobs.’

He added: ‘I hope they don’t ban us – but if they do, we’ll take the competition over the border to the Czech Republic where they are not so stuffy.’

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Law enforcement in Seattle , WA were left scratching their heads when they were called to the Lusty Lady erotic entertainment club after a man was caught trying to sneak into the strippers’ dressing.

The man was trying to gain access to the dressing room through the ceiling and when police arrived, he was still in the ceiling crawl space.

A stripper “was startled when (the man’s) legs came crashing through the glass panel ceiling above her,” according to the police report. “She stated before the subject fell through she had heard what she thought was kicking or pounding above her head.”

The un-named man, 27,  was arrested for malicious mischief but the charge was never formally filed.  He was later released.

The damage to the ceiling tiles above the front door, the glass ceiling above the strippers and the ceiling crawl space in stall No. 7 were so severe the Lusty Lady – normally a 24-hour operation – had to close temporarily.

No one was really sure why the man was trying to sneak a peak at the ladies who were performing nude in the first place.

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In Marlborough, NH a man called the police to say he had paid a woman for sex, but she  then refused to live up to her end of the deal. Now both the man and the woman are facing prostitution charges.

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Firefighters in the UK had to be called in to free a man’s penis from a metal pipe. After getting his member caught in a stainless steel pipe the man took his problem to Southampton General Hospital where medics were unable to free the organ  because the restricted blood flow had caused it to become erect.

The Hampshire Fire and Rescue Service arrived on the scene and used a metal grinder to free the penis from its metal confines.

The firefighters used the four-and-a-half-inch grinder to cut the pipe from around the man’s penis and it took about 30 minutes. The patient was given an anaesthetic and his penis was left bruised and swollen but otherwise unharmed.

The anxious man aged about 40 gave hospital staff no explanation about how the pipe got stuck after he turned up on Tuesday morning.

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The Mainichi Daily News published a story on Hikaru Wakao, a lady who is billed as the world’s oldest active stripper.

Hikaru Wakao, whose exact age is unknown, says that she is a few years from reaching 70. She is also famous for  the historical plays she performs before her striptease.

The printed story says that Wakao’s parents divorced soon after she was born, and she never went to school, instead touring the country with her music hall performer father, who also taught her how to dance. She married her husband at 17, and became a stepmother to his three children.

Wakao and her husband formed their own theater company, but soon after a truck accident on a mountain cliff in Gifu Prefecture killed seven of their performers and severely injured her husband and troupe leader.  The remainder of the fledgling company broke up, and times became very hard for Wakao and her family.

“I don’t want my children to experience living in poverty,” she told herself and, remembering her own childhood, made a decision. She would become a stripper.

Wakao and her husband cried all through the night before her first burlesque performance, but when she got on stage and began to dance, she was overcome by the spirit of a performer. Her husband, who has very high artistic standards, came and sat in the audience, hooting and catcalling. Frustrated by her own performances, she would sometimes spend all night practicing her act after the customers had all gone home.

Wakao has been  professional stripper for some 50 years now. The report says that  she is also grandmother to five children, and suffers from a sore back.

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In England, police are on the hunt for a man who allegedly was kneeling behind a supermarket worker in an effort to smell his ass.

CCTV showed the perp creeping up on the male worker at least 20 times as he stacked shelves at a Co-op store in Plymouth. The footage shows him pretending to choose items from shelves before suddenly crouching down behind the employee.

The offences only came to light when the employee became suspicious and informed his manager who checked the in-store security video. The un-named victim said: “I had no idea what was going on. I thought it was all a bit strange. I was shocked and I couldn’t believe he was in the aisle for that long.”

Detective Steve White of Plymouth police, said: “We are treating this incident very seriously and we would appeal to the public’s help in tracking down this man.

“It is a bizarre incident and the shop was full of people. Someone must have seen the man and could well help us identify him.”

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In China medics were at a loss trying to figure out what was causing a young man’s pain until an x-ray showed that he had a TV remote control stuck up his rectum.

Police reports say that the remote got stuck in the ass of Huang Chen 19, due to a prank played on him by his roommates after he passed out during a night’s drinking.

“We didn’t know what it was to start with. There was a little bit of blood but he didn’t say anything about a remote control. We couldn’t quite believe it when we saw the X-ray,” said Dr. Wei Lung Zhi of Hunan Hangtian Hospital. 
  
”He will be fine in time, but the remote was a write off,” the doctor added.

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In Oregon, a drunk man was arrested for allegedly trying to have sex with a stuffed giraffe.
Police discovered Sean McDowell, 24, picking up the stuffed toy outside a shop and simulate sex with it twice.

“He was pretty enamoured with it and decided he was taking it home,” said Sergeant Bob Smith.
“Then he turns and sees one of our officers and he puts the giraffe down and walks away. Later in the evening, he did it again. Maybe he had struck out with all the women at the bar and this giraffe was looking pretty good.”

The defiled giraffe, which is property of the Bug A Boo children’s store, was reportedly removed to a place of safety.

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Four men attempted to run naked through a car wash while their girlfriends filmed them found themselves in trouble with the police.

The men, aged between 19 and 23, have been charged with exposure and public nuisance.

Police say they each paid for a wash before stripping nude and cleaning themselves in the soapy water while their girlfriends took photos.

The four men are due to appear in court next month.

Police and the car wash operator warned the public against mimicking the men, with police saying Tuesday the high-pressure washer could be dangerous, especially if it goes in the eyes.

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Engineers who invented a bra that converts into a gas mask were honored last week at the annual IgNobel prizes ceremony.

The IgNobel prizes are a comic take on the Nobel prizes, and are given out by the Harvard-based magazine Annals of Improbable Research.

Gas mask bra inventor Elena Bodnar of Hinsdale, Illinois and her colleagues won the Public Health prize for their patented design: a bra that can be quickly converted into a pair of gas masks, one for the bra-wearer and one to be given to some needy bystander.

Other IgNobel prize winners included Donald Unger of California, who was honored for a lifelong, experiment in which he cracked the knuckles of his left hand but never his right for more than 60 years to prove that cracking your knuckles does not cause arthritis.

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According to a poll of 15,000 women, German men were voted on as being the world’s worst sex partners.

The primary reason for the Germans taking the top slot is that the woman polled found these men to be “too smelly”.

English men took second place because they were thought to be too lazy, while men from Sweden were branded “too quick” and took third place.

Other countries who didn’t fare well in the poll were Scotland (too loud), Turkey (too sweaty) and Wales (too selfish).

Spanish men were found to be the best lovers, followed by Brazilians and Italians.

The poll, carried out by www.OnePoll.com, asked women from 20 countries to rate nations on their ability in bed and give reasons for their answers.

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